I have been meaning to start this blog for months, if not years. I always felt I had so much I wanted to say, but didn't know where to start, what to say?? If I did write it, would anyone even want to read it, or enjoy what I have to say & what about all the grammatical mistake I 'WILL' make (cause I sure as hell know I will), will they then laugh at me??? This blog had to be bloody purrrfect !! Well here goes nothing - long blog post alert !!!
For all these months all that I wanted to say, has stayed in my head waiting for me to find the perfect moment, the most interesting topic to start with and write about which everyone will want to read about. Which is relevant to all and makes me sound intelligent and knowledgeable (now if I waited for that...............I would be waiting a whole lifetime). So I thought what the hell, how bad could it be, it's not like anyone is reading anything that I have written as it is, because I haven't even started. At least this way I will have taken the first wobbly step towards my - Lord alone knows what kinda Blog!!!
Though on a serious note, isn't this what so many of us really struggle with, Perfectionism !! I have never considered myself a perfectionist and actually felt a real sense of anxiety being around people who are one (my ex-husband), as I felt they would judge me by their high standards. My mother was a cleanliness freak, an amazing cook, loved to keep her house beautiful like a show home and god forbid if me or anyone in our family messed with any of these. All my young life, I was constantly told how messy and disorganized I was, as I was not meeting those high standards of hers. Then when she started teaching me how to cook (which at the age of 15 years all good Indian girls of my generation needed to know, so that their future family-in-law would consider them good house wife material) when the food wasn't to her standards, boy was there hell to pay. As an adult, I am still disorganized and always judge myself for that and it still causes me huge amounts or anxiety, especially when someone is about to visit me. When I cook the food has to be amazing, (it helps that I am a trained chef), when I do make-up it has to be flawless (again helps that I am a trained make-up artist) and so on and so forth the list goes. Now I wasn't about to take a writing course or something like that to write this blog, but really if I wanted it to be perfect, I felt like I needed to write like a journalist. Can you see a theme evolving here? Everything I did, I felt the need to either be professionally trained in it, to make me feel like I had ample knowledge on the topic, or I would feel the need to perform like a professional who would have been trained in this field, anything less is just not good enough of my high standards. Talk about putting pressure on yourself, I didn't need anyone else to do it, as I was managing quite alright on my own.
I was now beginning to realize that I was one of those people who needed things to perfect before they put it out to others. The constant pressure and judgement I was putting on myself was just exhausting, to the point that I was getting mental fatigue. I was able to empathize with all those people who were perfectionist or even had Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) more, as I now knew the anxiety and self judgement they went through every single say and yes we all laugh at this, but Perfectionism can cause real Mental Health Issues, because it stems from a place of low self-worth and a feeling of never being good enough, so everything had to be perfect. It was about controlling the things that you could do perfectly, so that when you did succeed you felt validated, like yessss, I am now worthy. But sadly for such people (like me) nothing is ever good enough, because the standards we set ourselves are unrealistic and so we always set ourselves up to fail. This can also stem from the fear of failure, which can cause such anxiety, that some people won't even attempt the task.
We as a society are now so used to instant everything that works magically well, all those beautiful people online with their flawless skins and amazing bodies, living those crazily successful lives and having such expensive lifestyles !! When we see this, there such a need to compete, to put our best foot forward, the perfect man/woman, the perfect relationship, the perfect marriage, house, car, kids, jobs and once again the list goes on and on. The ridiculous anxiety to meet any or all of these and the unnecessary pressure we put on ourselves. But then when you see nature, which is wild and rough, sometimes soft and gentle, but at all times beautiful, just perfect in its imperfections. No one went out there and put things in perfect order, but it all still works and aren't we all a part of nature as well, so aren't we perfect in our imperfections as well.
Finally I was like "Ahhh, Fuck It!! I'm doing this whether anyone likes it or not." I have something to say, and these are my words and my blog, if someone likes it great if not, then hey, at least what I had to say has been said and now its out there. I am putting my true authentic self out there in the hope that it will help someone, even if it is only one person. I am not hiding anymore waiting for the perfect anything, just putting my completely imperfect self put here in my full crazy glory and owning those parts of me. I did warn you I had a lot to say and anyone who know me will tell you I can chat shit for ages !! And don't worry, I won't leave you wondering now what do I do with this issue of perfectionism the, how do I deal with it?? I will be following up with another blog on how to deal with Perfectionism, so keep a look out by subscribing to my blog.
If this post at all resonated with you on any level, please leave me a comment, I would love to hear thoughts on it. Be warned it will also encourage me to write some more :). Even if the comment you drop below is to let me know this was so shit, at least I will know you read it. :P. I would just hear from you and know your thoughts on this.